Yes, It’s a date #UGBlogweek

This post is as a result of observing people on dates for about two months.

If you do not see yourself in situations as described below, well then-I just haven’t met you yet.

What it actually means to go on a date in Kampala

Listen, we don’t have to cry about the choice of venue anymore. The men in Uganda now know better than to take their lady loves to Bon Apetit. – I think that deserves some applause

Tuvudde wala

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2 love birds walk into Cafesserie- an uptown restaurant and café. The kind of place that would have you heave once it is suggested as the venue of choice for a date. The kind of place you will pick little kids that haven’t yet learnt how to walk because that’s the only play ground their parents will find good ice-cream and un latte parfait. Win Win. In my mind I am thinking coffee house where you casually meet people so I don’t want to call this is a date. This is the art of hanging out. But the way people are dressed to hang out warrants this situation to be called a date. Anyway from what I have gathered so far-it’s the lovely lady’s birthday and home boy over here has brought her to have some great food, a soda( that’s what’s been ordered for her) and generally enjoy his company.

She looks like she can handle a glass of wine or 5-but I will certainly not even get into that.

The young man who seems to be a youth councillor of the area has greeted about 12 people since he walked in. He has obviously done a good job politically because each greeting session is about 10 minutes long. Who greets that long in this current age? Unless of course you are some type of mayor…. and mayors only greet for 6 minutes.

Please note; Birthday girl has not been introduced to all these people her lovely boyfriend just greeted. She was awkwardly standing in the background looking at her dress for the 30th time.

But what else is there to do but look out for any hanging threads and admire your shoes one more time. That’s what I’d do.

Moving on swiftly…

Nice lady is about to pull a muscle pulling all these chairs for herself. She tries to stay poised. She must be really nice. Extremely nice because this must be the third time they are changing seats. Anyway one last person has come to greet Your Highness and now the poor girl is awkwardly smiling at this other young man waiting to be introduced as the significant other who happens to also have her birthday today.

Obviously, not the plan.

Now that they can have some peace and quiet, the young man pulls out his phone to take 30 pictures of his beautiful girlfriend. To him, that should cut it. He has a picture to upload for the 50 social network sites he is heavily part of because he has to check his phone for another 20 minutes.

The only vibrant thing about this date is the Cafesserie staff presenting an off key version of that birthday song. There is little or nothing to say but awkward glances and what looks like dry humour from the Mayor. I’m sorry but this girl definitely needs more in her life. Fine-the guy looks good. not THAT MINDBLOWING good… but you can present him to family, friends and well wishers and his face would not be one of the reasons they discourage the union.

THIS IS EXHAUSTING TO WATCH NEEEEEEXT

Moving on to more vibrant settings. Mythos.

Its a beautiful Saturday night. The chef’s full of life. The waiters and waitresses are in good spirits. Ugandans as usual-“eating life.” it’s all good.

A couple walks in. Girl looks good. Jesus Christ. Seriously, if my name was Arnold-like I imagine id be named if the outcome of the events on 3rd Jan many years ago were any different, I’d find every reason to send some drinks ,my number, my email and address her way. The guy? -well they balance things out nicely.

They seat at the bar. The girl looks a liiiiiiittle agitated. But you know how it is with the weather these days. It’s cold.. but you know Ugandans will definitely be out smelling nice looking right so you cant afford to carry your grandmother vestments out here trying to look frail.

I have never seen anyone in someone’s neck but this guy will obviously change that. I am trying to mourn Crystal Palace’s loss to Westham while I spend my life’s savings on a bottle of water, drowning sorrows and what not but this man is really keeping me from that. He’s been pecking an unresponsive Juliet for the last 10 minutes. She is as still as they come but he just wont stop. His boys walk in. Girl’s face: Oh shit. Guy: best night of my life

She has walked out and now I need to look elsewhere

Thank heavens another Mayor has walked in.

He has probably greeted all the people at Nanjing as well before he came in with his seemingly exasperated girlfriend. Now i don’t know how First ladies maintain their poise because with all the greeting and fake smiling- I would definitely involve myself in some divorce worthy activities to find myself a better life.

What is it with you men and never introducing these ladies to the 400 people you greet?

This guy has probably forgotten that he walked in with his girl and this girl has had to fight bigger battles than this. There is absolutely no connection yet once in a while he holds her waist as he leads her to where they should sit. She looks extremely agitated… way more agitated than the girl who had her neck violated at the bar. She is tired of walking in her 6 inch heels-she has probably had a nature walk with this man before they got here. She has the remains of gloss-she is too tired to fix her make up yet this isn’t her home.

…and now-Mr Man has to leave her alone probably going through her texts from MTN so he have a quick chat with the boys. I can tell she is mad. Have you ever been so mad you start looking for apps to update and busy yourself with finding the wifi to do just that? Well she has that look. That I hope I didn’t uninstall Candy Crush” look.

…but my friends walk in and my interest in this observation is dwindling. The guy looks like he will only get back to her in another hour.

I need to leave the office and get a hobby obviously. observing human beings is torture. I’d like to believe there are better men to work with… but ladies- when you feel like you have to play Candy Crush, just get a cab and go home please.

and for those who love 30 Rock as much as i do…let’s call to mind Liz Lemon’s dating experience