I feel like I have seen it all and I am now ready to start giving parental advice to anyone who needs it. I’m an aunt, I am on Twitter, and Instagram where mothers also open up accounts for their children with one tooth- something I find incredibly ridiculous. I followed Tiwa Savage’s son’s baby feet when the picture was released. I know children whose names remind me of how complicated the compass can be and trust me, I have also been a child before. No I did not go to school for this and I am really not sure I want people to learn some things on the job when I am still alive and well. As you can see from the above wealth of experience, I am only here to guide. If you are a parent, please do not take offence, I know you are doing your best while quietly scoffing at this post but that is okay. Because if you ask me- this is my plan for parenthood.
- Use of red hot chilli peppers: *Scar tissue that I wish you saw*- wait not the band. I mean these ones.
Get the pulp and store it safely. See sometimes, you bear a child with a motor mouth. An irrepressible talker who sometimes also feels the need to talk back or use abusive language. Talking too much will be encouraged-they may get a show on TV because of that. (I pray not anything that requires them to describe celebrities with illicit words or generally scream at viewers or listeners for no reason-wow I really don’t like that show). For the many times they swear or talk back, a tea spoon of chilli will set them right. Learnt that from my sister at the tender age of 10. Do you think my 19 year old nephew swears like a sailor anymore? Certainly not.
- Phones at 16: Now I see an 11 year old boy with an S5 and I don’t know what to say. Is it because you expect to be 100 miles away from them for days on end? For emergency purposes-you say. Well for starters, there will be a phone at home for anyone who needs to make calls-like in my childhood. It will be so basic that a child born in the future will find it so uncomfortable to spend the best years of his life tampering with that thing. He will then use that free time to read books, play outside while the sun shines and just be a child. I’m telling you guys, children these days are 12 but sexting and you wonder how a 12 year old knows positions even 24 year olds are afraid to blurt out on the hyper sexualised internet. So no, I shall not be having that. Plus I do not expect to speak to someone who is busy texting someone else. That is so bloody rude and it is even worse that we, the adults do that all day everyday.
- Sex education; I am not having my child receive confusion in the name of sex-ed from teachers with intentions only God is sure of. So that will be very clear from the get go. No dear, children aren’t bought from a store in Milwaukee, they are born. And they can only come into the equation if there is sex. Okay maybe not that direct. But still-I’m in a better position to talk to my child about these things than some random stranger who might even find my poor baby attractive in the process. we must create an environment for the kids where we are both their parents and friends so if some shady things come up, you get that news first hand.
- The TV remote: It is obvious that my children will learn at an early age how to use the remote, for I intend to call them from their grandparents’ house to change the channel. The kids need to stay active. Walk around, stay fit and all that. They will thank me for that whenever they make speeches. Housework is not subject to debate because I am not about to raise lazy clowns. Talking back or folding the face on receipt of instructions in the house will definitely be grounds for enrolment in Kyankwazi or places in the same category. That aside, they may only have one hour of TV time. They must not have their imagination capped so early in life when they have so much to do later.
- The African mother’s lecture; For starters I am not good with lectures. I do not like repeating myself and sometimes I am probably the one giggling more than the culprit in question. It is very clear that I intend to use as much sarcasm as I can possibly conjure up because of my roots. My parents are the most sarcastic people I know and my father probably invented every hyperbole known to me. So I will definitely use that. It is very annoying to children on the receiving end and quite entertaining for a parent looking at the irritable person in front of him/her.
- Eating sugar will be a capital offence. Guys, we need to make sure the kids do better than we did. So processed foods and sugar will be so rare in my house. I don’t care if your kids think my kids are from the 5th century. If they get gold stars for doing well in class- they will get anything else but candy. That will also be key in the decisions regarding which schools the kids go to. You see, I went to schools where the reward process included an Éclair give away ceremony. If that is the case, then that school may not be considered. We need to raise a healthier generation. That should be our top priority.
I’m still learning and I will be sure to pass on more gems I find along this journey.
I need to have my lunch now.